I have a computer.
It’s okay in the day. I’m staying busy. Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he? Got so sick of crying, so lately when I catch myself, I do a 180. I stay up clean the house- at least I’m not drinking. Run around just so I don’t have to think about thinking. That silent sense of content that everyone gets, just disappears soon as the sun sets. His face in my dreams seizes my guts, he floods me with dread. Soaked in soul he swims in my eyes by the bed. Pour myself over him, moon spilling in… and I wake up alone.
I still have your card on my desk. I see it every morning, and it hurts, but I keep it there because it’s good to remind myself that I fucked up in the way I let you go.
I still find myself circling the send button, ready to tell you what happened in the day and curious to know about yours.
I still remember the feel of your body, and sleep with our stuffed pug.
The door was slammed by you, but understandably so.
You didn’t deserve the heartache, and I handled the end poorly.
I’m sorry for that.
I wanted you to know why, and to know that it wasn’t that I didn’t love you, but that that the little things were starting to overwhelm the big us.
The way we’d bring out the laziest in each other.
The way we’d ignore each other’s advice.
The way we’d get so angry and sexually frustrated.
The way you’d shut me out over the smallest thing.
The way you’d never watch my show.
The way you’d never come over, even though there was a bus for your early classes and arms to sleep in.
Those little things that just took a toll, some you could try to change, some you couldn’t. But even if you could, I wouldn’t want you to be anybody but you. That’s who I loved.
I didn’t want us to ignore each other. I just wanted to go back to being your friend.
Also, the fact that you removed every evidence of the existence of us. I’m going to remember you, I was hoping you’d do the same.
I’m not sorry that it’s over.
Everything has its time, and I couldn’t stop seeing the end like you saw it at the beginning.
I’m just sorry that I couldn’t end it on good terms.
I will always have the memory of you running away.
Not being able to talk about it and share the pain and reasons with you is what hurts.
Let us have a moment of silence for the HIMYM fandom, who spent 9 years only to be disappointed.